Page 28 - TA Magazine Winter 2022
P. 28

A MOMENT OF ZEN


               desires. Those pangs of restlessness are actually pulling you   again with that information in a more intelligent way. Regrets                                            only too late if you think it is. After all, the only way to get the
               back into alignment with who you really are. This is a time of   mean we’ve lived and tried. So in reality, we could say there                                            best fruit is to go out on a limb.
               creating true contentment, not crisis.           are no real mistakes, just more information. Thomas Edison
                                                                famously  said  that  he  didn’t  build  1,000  failed  inventions                                                               Lessons on Living from the Dying
                         Finding Your New Direction             on his way to creating the light bulb, but that the process of                                                           Another great way to neutralize regret and help reset your
               Once you understand that your midlife crisis is a good thing and   creating the light bulb had 1,000 steps. Embracing the F-word,                                         priorities in midlife is to look at the difference between the regrets
               that it’s guiding you into a more fulfilling life, you can take the   failure, helps us recognize our mistakes as gifts.                                                  of the living and the regrets of the dying. According to Psychology
               necessary steps to begin finding that new path. After living a                                                                                                            Today, when categorized, the majority of regrets healthy people
               certain routine for 20 or 30 years, some people think they can’t   Regret usually comes with a lot of grief attached, especially                                          have are concerning education. These are followed by regrets
               do anything different than what they’ve always done. A good   where relationships are concerned. It’s important to work                                                   about  careers,  romantic  relationships,  and then  parenting
               way to begin finding a new passion is to ask people close to you   through your grief, and a good therapist can be very helpful. In                                       choices. For the dying, regrets are more fundamental and larger
               what activities and situations they’ve seen you feel most alive.   the end, it’s still all about learning, getting back in the driver’s                                   in scope. They don’t involve single events or lost opportunities,
               When they tell you, trust them and explore more of those things.   seat of your life, and moving forward in a new direction. We                                           but instead focus on the way life is lived.
                                                                do that by asking ourselves, “What have I learned from this
               Lots of people work for companies that have mission   experience, how am I a better or wiser person because of it, and                                                    Bronnie Ware is a palliative care nurse who treated hundreds
               statements. Every decision by the company is made to support   what will I do differently next time?”                                                                     of dying patients and wrote a book about her experience,
               that purpose. To move your life in a new direction, it can be                                                                                                             The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed By The
               helpful to make your own mission statement. A good mission     Peace with the Past                                                                                        Dearly Departing.  According to Ware, the most common
               statement should include what values you want to operate by,   Looking back on our lives, we can be pretty brutal on                                                      regrets expressed to her by dying patients were: I wish I’d
               what it is that you’ve chosen to do, and why you’re doing it.   ourselves with all the I-could-have’s and I-should-have’s. Part                                           had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others
               For example, maybe you’ve cracked people up in the office   of dissolving the grief that comes with regret is letting go of                                               expected of me. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. I wish I’d had
        22     for years and now feel like you could start to incorporate   the  false  idea  that  somehow  we  should  have  known  better.                                            the courage to express my feelings. I wish I’d stayed in touch   22
        Y ANDERSON        WINTER 20  Middle age is traditionally a time to reassess life, and everyone   shame yourself because the person that made those choices is a   Odds are you’re in much better health and look and feel better   not to mention the opportunity to have a clear understanding   Y ANDERSON        WINTER 20
                                                                We convince ourselves that somehow we should have had
                                                                                                                                                                                         with my friends. I wish I’d let myself be happier.
               your secret passion for standup comedy into your life. Your
               new mission statement might sound something like this: With
                                                                a crystal ball, seen all the options with absolute clarity, and
                                                                                                                                                                                         individual regrets and focus more on the overall quality of our
                                                                an event from the distant past and judge your actions from
               truth and inspire others to make a better world by changing
       26      candor and honesty, I use humor and storytelling to reveal the   made the perfect choice. It’s unfair, and even absurd, to take                                           With this in mind, it might be a little easier to let go of   27
                                                                                                                                                                                         lives. When we do that, we find a lot more to be thankful for,
                                                                the knowledge you have now. It makes no sense to retro-
               the way they think and live.
                                                                                                                                                       DR. HABIB SADEGHI
                             Reconciling Regret
                                                                                                                                                                                         of who we are and what we’re about.
                                                                completely different human being than the one you are today.
                                                                At least I hope you’re a different person than who you were at
                                                                                                                                                                                                       The Point of Power
                                                                their 20s or 30s to be as world-wise and self-aware as someone
                                                                                                                                         60, but health science and anti-aging lifestyle choices have
               to  three  decades  establishing  our  careers,  starting  families,
                                                                                                                                                                                         the emotions you feel to push you to create new things and
               and working towards realizing all those dreams we laid out
                                                                well over 50. So don’t expect it of yourself either.
                                                                                                                                         seriously changed the game in middle age, and that means
        C      wants their life to have meaning. We’ve spent the last two   25 or 35. I know I am. You would never expect someone in     than they did back then. I’m not going to say 80 is the new   Other ways to help you move through regret include using   C
        TRA    for ourselves back in our 20s. Whether we’ve accomplished                                                                 more opportunities stay open to us much longer. Obviously   opportunities. There are countless success stories of people   TRA
               those things in whole, in part, or not at all usually determines   Letting go of regret means making peace with the fact that the   that doesn’t mean you can still try out for the U.S. Olympic   who lost everything and used their anger and frustration to
               how much meaning we give our lives. At the same time,   past couldn’t have been any different based on the amount of      team. Some trains have left the station and aren’t coming back   rebuild a better life or bigger business empire. Think about
               we’re getting a real sense of our mortality. We see ourselves   knowledge and self-awareness you had at that point in time.   again, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other things that can   how you could help others avoid the same pitfalls with the
               physically aging. Time feels like it’s flying by, and suddenly we   We’re all doing the best we can with the amount of information   be fulfilling in similar ways.       knowledge you have. Teaching others, especially young
               realize how short life really is. Taking stock of the past is an   we have available to us at any given moment. If you could have                                         people, can provide a unique kind of closure that’s very
               important step in reinventing ourselves, but it also exposes us   done better, you would have. It’s that simple, so stop beating   There’s an old English proverb that says, “A man is not old   healing for the loss you may feel.
               to the single biggest obstacle to making the second half of life   yourself up. Whether big or small, everyone has regrets, and   until his dreams become his regrets.” Aging is unavoidable,
               a success—regret.                                the only way to use them to improve your life is to not hate  3.  Shrira, Ilan . (September 18, 2010). The biggest regret of your life: avoiding irrevocable mistakes. Psychology Today.  4.  Ware, Bronnie. (2012). The top five regrets of the dying: a life transformed by the dearly departing. London: Hay House.  but it’s not the same as getting old. People get old when they   Above all else, remember to act on what you’ve
                                                                yourself for having them.                                                give up and stop living because they give in to the lie that it’s   The past is gone; it has no power over you and never did.
               Midlife can sometimes feel like climbing the ladder to your                                           https:/ /www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-narcissus-in-all-us/201009/the-biggest-regret-your-life.  too late. The best way to escape getting old is to see all your   The present moment is always your point of power because
               dreams only to realize once you get to the top, you leaned it     It’s Too Late                                           mistakes as information to make another choice. That way,   that’s the only place you get to make choices. Remember,
               against the wrong building. Suddenly, the life you’re living may   Besides guilt and grief, the other aspect of regret that makes   you have no real regrets and can use what you learn to keep   it’s much easier to reconcile the regret of things you did
               look nothing like the life you planned. All sorts of regrets can   it so painful in midlife is the idea that it’s too late. Too many   dreaming new dreams and going after them.    rather than things you didn’t do but wish you had. So
               run through your mind:  I wish I’d gone to college. Why didn’t   years have passed or that there isn’t enough time to go after                                            forgive yourself, make a bold choice, and move forward.
               I start my own business when I had the chance? If only I’d   what you really want or opportunities you missed. One of the   So in reality, your life experience doesn’t emerge from your   No regrets.  TA
               pursued my passion as my career. I wish I’d worked harder to   biggest ways we convince ourselves it’s too late is by believing   physical body or chronological age, it comes largely from your
               save my marriage. I let the love of my life slip away.    we’re too old to go after what we want. Yes, aging comes with   state of mind and the choices you make from that perspective.   For more health insights from Dr. Sadeghi or to read more
                                                                inevitable physiological changes, but we can do a lot to slow            We fall prey to regret when we let the world define what   inspiring articles from his health and wellness journal,
               The purpose of life isn’t to have no regrets. We all have them,   that process down in a very big way that keeps us healthier   RICCARDO VECCHIO  success means for us. The great thing about midlife is that we   MegaZEN, please visit beingclarity.com. For daily messages of
               and in some ways we should be thankful that we do. The   for much longer than our parents were at the same age. Think     finally get the courage to stop caring about what other people   encouragement and humor, follow him on Instagram at
               purpose of life is to learn, mostly from our mistakes, and start   about your parents and grandparents at your current age.   think, so take a risk to make a new dream and pursue it. It’s   @drhabibsadeghi.
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